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By the way, I tried to dye my hair again today and it didn’t work. I couldn’t get it right
I’ll try again by the end of the month.
I want to get a cartilage piercing but I am too scared.
I miss the days when I was a lot less fearful and more spontaneous.

 

“You tried to do it yourself?”

 

Yes.
That’s how I got my second piercing, I wanted to do it and I just did it.

 

“You are in a different state of mind right now.
“Thank God you aren’t scared of writing also”

 

 

Well I am actually
I am afraid of not being liked
That’s why I need to go back to doing things my way and being okay with it.
Like dye my hair.
Get more piercing.
Dress how I like.
I don’t know if its a getting older thing

 

“This too has a hand or two in it”

 

This is the warning we ignored. The bridge we said we’d cross when we got to it.

LoL

Bright eyed and bushy tailed we didn’t listen, we ignored parts of it.
The full picture is rather uneventful and terrifying
Life gets us all in the end

 

 

“I guess we shouldn’t let it then
Although it doesn’t matter if we let it or not, we still shouldn’t let it”

 

I think we shouldn’t try to fight it
It’ll absorb all your energy and still get you in the end, so whats the point?

 

“True.”
“So all we can do is preserve our best parts so we can spend them wisely
plant them in fertile soils so they’ll grow and survive us.”
“We need to start planting already”

 

I guess so
That way even when you are burnt out you’ll still have shade from the trees you planted in the past.

 

 

July 15, 2017 0 comment
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One thing I know for certain is that I like to run. I’ve always thoroughly enjoyed it, I started running in university. In those days some friends and I would run in the morning before we had to go for classes. I weighed about 54kg at the time so it was always difficult explaining my reasons for waking up early and going on such excruciating feats when I could be tucked away safely in my bed. It wasn’t like I needed to lose any weight right?

But how was I to explain the feeling? The endorphin and dopamine, the increased heart rate, the sheer joy, quite frankly I didn’t know exactly what it was myself all I knew was I couldn’t wait till morning so I could plug in my headphones, take off and not stop till I literally couldn’t move anymore.

Even now I still love to run, so on this special day I got up like I do every day put on my running gear and headed out. I absentmindedly walked up my usual trail, while updating my running playlist. The music plays an important role in all of this so it had to be just right.

I got to the starting point, music updated, shoe laces safely tucked into my shoes, I was ready. So I took off.

Everything was going on as it normally did, dodging passers-by and oncoming traffic, the usual stuff. In a short while I reached my 5km halfway mark and knew I had to turn back and head home.

For some reason I was a bit flushed on the run today.
“It’s probably because I didn’t have any supper last night” I thought to myself as I walked for a while to regain my strength.

I had just resumed my “return trip” when I noticed some guys about 150m in front of me, they were staring at something in my direction. I couldn’t see it yet because there was a big school bus parked in front of me, I kept running wondering what it might be.

Then I saw it.

There was a middle-aged woman sitting on the curb her clothes seemed to have been torn off her body, but someone was kind enough to cover her up with a wrapa. She looked uncomfortable, she had a weird look on her face, the type you get when you are just about to throw up and the nausea is at its peak.

“What happened? Was she robbed? Rapped? Beaten, is she a thief? Is she lost or stranded? Is she sick?”

A hundred thoughts flashed through my head at the same time, I was curious to know what was wrong, why she was in that state.

Then, I continued on my run, and I say continue to flatter myself because I had only slowed my pace.

I didn’t even stop.

 

Like that wasn’t a human being sitting on the side of the road in obvious need of help, like I am not chief advocate at compelling people to always stop and help in similar situations because you might just be the help they need. Like I don’t get infuriated when someone tells me how they crossed lanes and kept on walking in a similar situation.

“How could you have done that? That is so inhumane!” I’d probably snap at whoever was narrating their experience to me.

I didn’t even stop.

I don’t know how I managed to get home after that because my legs gave up on me, I spent the remainder of my morning run deep in thought, trying to convince myself that she had probably already gotten all the help she needed and that the next person to come along was sure to help. Reminding myself of all the other times I had stopped to help others

see you aren’t such a monster after all”
Sinking further into the hypocrisy pit.

I like to think that I will do everything in my power to make up for that incident but I can’t even say that with any conviction, because there was a time when I was sure I could never live with myself for doing what I did that Sunday morning.

But I am here, living with myself.

June 6, 2017 2 comments
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From the corner of his eyes

When i was 19 years old, i fell in love with a kind eyed fellow. I was in my first year at university and like most girls my age i was struggling with finding myself.

He was studying electrical engineering like me but was already in his second year, for some reason i never noticed him despite his 6 foot 5 inches frame.

One day I was moving through the large hall we shared with the second year students when a horribly mannered boy standing on the desk hit me straight in the temple, I cried out in pain while reaching for my aching temple, he looked at me and looked away.

I was stunned, no apology, not a simple “Sorry” I continued on my journey while nursing my throbbing temple.

“Boys in university must be so horribly mannered”  I concluded to myself as I walked away. I was sure I’d made a mortal enemy for life, there was clearly no forgiving such behavior in my books.

I remember browsing through a newly created Facebook group for engineering students, I came across a person who seemed like they had similar hobbies like me…

Reading

“Hmmm that’s interesting”

What more, this person listed “From the corner of his eyes” by Dean Koontz as one of their favorite books. You probably wont understand how big a deal this was to me at the time. I have always been peculiar in one way or another, liked all the different things -books, music, movies, arts, fashion. I always tended to go off in a different direction with my preferences.

To find someone with similar interests as me at the time, and of the opposite sex was a lot more exciting than you would imagine. There was one little problem, there was no photo on the profile so I couldn’t tell who it was. After much consideration- it was probably very little consideration- I messaged the stranger, we got talking and agreed to meet up.

The day came and I went to the agreed location, sat at a corner and awaited the mystery person whom in my head was to be my new best friend. I had our life all planned out already, we were to spend the rest of our days reading books and exchanging notes.

I was yanked out of my daydream when I saw my sworn enemy walk in through the door

Yuck, what is he doing here? 

Unless…No, this is not happening!!

But It really was happening and I wasn’t dreaming. I was distraught, all my hopes and dreams dashed before my eyes.

As you could imagine, that day didn’t really go as planned.

I went back to my house with a broken heart and broken dreams, but I was young and new in university, guys were in no short supply so i soon forgot all about it.

Or so i thought

I slowly started to notice him everywhere and each time I did a thought crept into my head, i tried to ignore it but it would always find its way back

 “maybe he isn’t so bad after all”

Had i imagined the temple hitting incident? Or perhaps exaggerated it? Maybe it was an isolated event.

I took to the internet once more and started to, uhm well i wont say stalk but i had to get to know him with as little contact as possible.

I don’t remember who initiated our next encounter but it was the game changer, I cant say if it was the intelligence in his statements or the gentle yet firm way he spoke, maybe it was the kindness in his eyes but for whatever reason I was starting to fall in love with my mortal enemy who happened to have a girlfriend

What a mess.

In a very short while I had gone from not noticing to loathing Obi- that was his name, now I was at the point were I couldn’t wait to go to school so I could see him.

Like most young girls do, I daydreamed endlessly on how my life would unfold with him at center stage. As it turned out he shared similar feelings and like a magical Disney animation, everything started to fall into place perfectly.

In no short time we were making out under the rain and singing along to Viva la viva by Coldplay– my favorite song at the time. We had become inseparable. He loved me, he spoilt me, he catered to my every needs in and outside the bedroom and did his best to be available for my insatiable hunger for his presence. It was beautiful. It was perfect, he was perfect.

I was gravely insecure at the time and would always complain about my c-cup sized boobs on my thin frame, I’d complain about my weird aura or my unpopular beliefs about life religion and culture. There was always something to make me stand out and I hated it.

He would always say “You will always stand out because you are perfect dont run from it, embrace it”

Those were just words, but those words made me feel warm on the inside and never failed to bring a smile to my lips whenever i recalled them.

It was perfect, “too prefect” I thought.

I had had several encounters with guys in the past and nothing could compare to this, no one could compare to him. Why is he so perfect?

I couldn’t understand it,  I had never known love and care like this before so I did what every young insecure girl would do, I self sabotaged.

I would make problems out of everything and accuse him for the slightest reasons. I became convinced that it was all a game and he was only going to play me. That was the only conclusion my broken mind could draw.

The delicate thread of love and care that held us together was slowly starting to unravel and the more I pushed the more it unraveled. The more it unraveled the more  I was convinced that it was all a game to him, it was an exhausting circle.

Soon everything went cold, all our rain dance and our book reviews, all our midnight conversations about science and life and love, all the things that bound us together soon started to feel like another life time. Like something I’d dreamed up in an afternoon nap. I pulled myself further down this foxhole of fear and dread and uncertainty.

I ultimately had to learn that often times the ride is more important than the destination.

I eventually got myself together and even though I didn’t sprout self confidence overnight i learnt and still learning to live in the now, to stand my ground against fear and uncertainty and enjoy the joys that each day brings.

June 4, 2017 5 comments
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Life for me is the definition of shifting sands, but I guess you already knew that and so did I, or so I thought. You know, as humans we generally tend to resist change at first, it takes a lot of training and energy to be such a diverse and open minded person that your first reaction towards any change is to embrace it. I am not that person yet. 

So as you would imagine, I encounter a significant amount of headaches and heartaches while navigating through this thing called life.

I try to ignore it most of the time as most people do life events which they have no control over, but today I was unpleasantly reminded of the unpredictability of the events of life.

At the beginning of the year whilst making my plans and setting my goals the (significantly)life changing and probably most anticipated event was supposed to happen in September. It was the pivot, it was supposed to be the point where I spread my wings and take flight. It really was all that to me. 

Well as it turns out, said event won’t be taking place this September anymore and there are no words to describe my heartbreak and disappointment right now.

As a matter of fact, I strongly believe that I am still processing in it my mind.. I have not fully assimilated the news and what it entails, that has to be it. Why else am I this calm?

So I’m here feeling hopeless but trying not to let it engulf me,because I still believe a broken mind is better than a hopeless one. And I’m thinking to myself why would God and the universe allow me to make all those plans only to have everything fall at my feet in tiny broken pieces? I know for a fact that he doesn’t stand to gain from seeing me heartbroken and losing hope in the supposed bright future I have. So what is this about?

Maybe a lesson??


 Whenever something seemingly inexplicable happens to me I always try to find the lesson in it. I believe everything can be explained, maybe not initially, but there is an explanation for everything if you can’t explain it, look for the lesson.

The lesson here I suppose is the need to amend my rigid ways, accept fluidity and understand that my sight and my visions are too little to see the big picture most of the time. It is obviously easier said than done but I will atleast try.

And so now, in the spirit of making lemonades out of life’s sour lemons I attempt to pick the shattered pieces of my mind/goals/dreams off the floor, repivot myself and give it another shot.

Wish me luck…

 

 

***This post was originally written in the first quarter of 2016


May 8, 2017 3 comments
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